


Let Loss Reveal It

by smaragdbird



Series: The Honourable Ones [2]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Post-Battle of Yavin, Team as Family, saying goodbye
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-09-26 13:56:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9901610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smaragdbird/pseuds/smaragdbird
Summary: Zeb and the Ghost Crew get Kallus' final messages for them





	

Of course the excitement was long over by the time the Ghost returned to Yavin. Not that their mission had been unimportant but everything paled against the fight against a literal planet killer. 

“Guess we know what they were building over Geonosis”, Ezra said when they pulled out of hyperspace.

“Wish we could’ve seen the thing explode”, Zeb replied.

The news had come in form to two messages. The first one had been just prior to the battle, warning rebel ships not to return to Yavin under any circumstances. The second one had assured everyone that it was safe to come back for now with the Death Star having been destroyed.

It wouldn’t stay that way for long. Now that Empire new their location they would need to leave Yavin sooner rather than later. The same had happened when Thrawn had found their base as well.

“Do you see that?” Hera gasped when they pulled into the hangar. Ezra’s, Sabine’s and Zeb’s eyes widened as well.

“What is it?” Kanan asked.

“There are no ships”, Hera explained. “The squadrons they’re all gone.”

They had expected that the battle against a thing like the Death Star would mean heavy losses but this went beyond everything they had imagined.

“There are two X-wings over there”, Sabine said, trying to find something positive. “I think that’s Wedge’s. And there’s a Y-Wing and two A-Wings. And…a corellian freighter?”

“Karabast”, Zeb said through a tight throat. If only five fighters had made it out then their chances against the Empire looked bad with or without the Death Star.

“There could be more, right?” Ezra asked. “Maybe they’re just on recon missions. You said we needed a new base.” It was a valiant attempt at optimism that no one felt like disrupting. 

When they left the ship someone was waiting for them. Sabine hadn’t been wrong earlier, it had been Wedge’s X-Wing she had spotted in the hangar and Wedge was the one waiting for them. He looked liked he had been dragged through hell, haggard and tired and sad.

Sabine and Ezra hugged him, happy to see their friend alive and unharmed. But Wedge only managed to give them the ghost a smile in return.

“It’s good to see you”, he said, sounding like he was carrying the weight of the galaxy on his shoulders. “It’s been pretty crazy around here for the last few days.” And he looked like he hadn’t slept since it had started.

“We heard about the battle against the Death Star”, Kanan said.

“There was another one before that, that’s why I’m here”, Wedge replied and explained quickly about the defection of an Imperial pilot and the battle of Scarif to get the Death Star plans. “No one who went to the surface of Scarif survived. The Empire used the Death Star to make sure of it. We lost a lot of people. And I needed to do something to take my mind off so I volunteered to clean out their quarters.”

He held out his hand. On his open palm lay two data chips labeled neatly in Kallus’ handwriting. Zeb felt his heart clenched in his chest. “I found them in Fulcrum’s I mean Kallus’ room”, Wedge said. “They’re for you.”

One of them said “Ghost Crew” and the other one “Zeb”. Hera took the first one and when Zeb made no move she took the second one as well. “Thank you, Wedge”, she said. “Do you want to watch it with us?” 

Wedge had been Kallus’ friend too, maybe a better one than any of the Ghost Crew had been since he and Kallus had only met when Kallus had already been Fulcrum. There had been nothing of the nasty history between them had that sometimes come between Kallus and the Ghost Crew, especially at the start.

Wedge shook his head. “I’m not really in the mood for goodbye messages.” He took something out of his pocket and held it out to Zeb. “That was next to your message.”

It was the fucking meteor. Kallus had held on to that thing as if it was a lucky charm. If he had left it behind that meant he had known from the start he wouldn’t come back. Part of Zeb wanted to slap it out of Wedge’s hand but instead it he took it with a short, “thanks”, curling his fist around it.

“I’ll see you guys”, Wedge said and hurried off. 

“Zeb, do you want to – “

Zeb didn’t let Hera finish. “No, let’s get this over with.”

/

Kallus’ face came lit up on the holo-projector when Hera put the data chip in. He looked calm, determined even but not like someone who was about to take part in a suicide. Zeb was tempted to leave the room. What good was a goodbye message anyway? 

"Zeb, Sabine, Chopper, Hera, Ezra, Kanan", hearing Kallus greet them like this made something akin to amusement flare up in Zeb’s chest. Kallus had greeted them in the order of who he liked best.

“"I'm recording this message to say goodbye to you. I have a new mission, one not sanctioned by the Council. I'm going to help a team to infiltrate the Imperial archive on Scarif to steal the plans for a new battle station that has enough power to destroy entire planets. I don't know how much you'll know about it by the time you'll see this. My only hope is that we'll be successful or else the rebellion is over. Should we not succeed I urge you to run and hide. In any case I wanted to thank you, all of you. Despite everything you have become my friends and that is more than I ever expected or deserved.”

By this point Sabine had pressed her hands over her mouth and the edges of Hera’s eyes glittered treacherously while Ezra had pressed his lips together so tightly they turned white. Only Kanan looked unaffected but that was just a façade. 

It was a good thing the meteor hadn’t any sharp edges left after being carried around in Kallus’ pocket for three years because otherwise Zeb’s hand would be a bloody mess by now.

“The run on Scarif is a suicide mission. I know that and I volunteered for it. There are things worth dying for. The alternative is surrender and as you well know that is something I have never done and I don't plan on starting now. I wish you all the best for the future whatever it may look like and may the Force be with you.”

With the end of the message Kallus’ face vanished from the holo-projector and only silence was left.

“That idiot”, Zeb growled. “That stupid, self-sacrificing idiot.”

“Kallus died as a hero, we should respect that”, Kanan said.

“Why, because he got himself killed when he didn’t have to?”

“Zeb, we don’t know what happened on Scarif”, Hera said, resting a hand on his arm. “But we know it was a success. He didn’t die in vain.”

“He didn’t have to go there in the first place.” How could he make them understand when he had never told them that he and Kallus had been more than friends? The problem wasn’t that Kallus had died it was that he had chosen to die. He had chosen to leave Zeb.

“Maybe you should watch the message he left you”, Sabine said. Her eyes met Zeb’s and he realized that she did know at least.

“Do you want us to stay?” Hera asked, placing the data chip on the console.

For a moment Zeb was tempted to say yes but then he shook his head. Afterall this whole thing had started with just the two of them, stranded on Bahryn, and so it should end with just the two of them. Kallus wouldn’t have left a separate message for him if he had wanted the rest of the Ghost crew to hear it.

One by one the others left the room until it was just him, the data chip and the damn meteor he was still clutching in his hand like a lifeline.

“Karabast”, he cursed and put the data chip in. Kallus’ face came to life again but softer this time, not quite so stoic if just as determined. Kallus had looked at him like this right before he had kissed Zeb for the first time.

"Zeb if you see this I assume you've watched my previous message as well. This one is meant for you alone but of course by now I'll be dead and have no way of stopping you." Kallus smiled a little.

“Fucking right”, Zeb told the holo image. He almost wished he had asked the others to stay.

"I've never thanked you for Bahryn, not just for saving my life but also for making me start to ask questions. That's how it all started. And then you saved my life again by getting me away from Thrawn. I know you were unhappy that I refused to join your crew. Believe me it was never anything personal. You're very idealistic.”

Zeb snorted. If Kallus thought he was idealistic then what the fuck did he think of Hera or Kanan. But then again Kallus hadn’t gotten along with Kanan or Hera particularly well so maybe that answered that question.

“You believe in what you fight for but I...once I started questioning I couldn't stop. The rebellion needs people like you, shining examples of justice that lead the cause, but it also needs people like me who do what needs to be done. And what I've done for the Rebellion wasn't any better than what I did for the Empire. I can't even say that I did it for the right reasons because I believe in the Rebellion as much as I believed in the Empire. And that is why I'm going to Scarif. Dying for the Rebellion means I've finally chosen a side. No one can take this from me."

Zeb pasued the message, hurling every single curse he had ever heard at Kallus’ face. As if he had been the only Imperial defector amongst the rebels. As if he had been the only one who had done questionable things before defecting. Sabine wasn’t lining up for a suicide mission to prove she had broken with the Empire. 

Zeb should’ve never listened to him. He should’ve dragged Kallus aboard the Ghost right from the start and kept an eye on his suicidal tendencies. Fuck him and fuck his message. Had Zeb also been just a point to prove that Kallus wasn’t part of the Empire anymore? 

His hand hovered over the console. It would be easy to switch it off. Kallus had made his point after all. But maybe he was right. Maybe Zeb was an idealist. So instead he pressed resume.

"We've never defined what our relationship was. I'm not even sure if the rest of your crew knows. I certainly never told anyone else. Why would I? The only person I would've trusted with this kind of information was you."

Zeb watched as Kallus’ image shook its head. So he hadn’t told anyone either because there had been no one but Zeb he had trusted enough to tell. Kallus had been a lot lonelier than Zeb had realized and that hurt because he should’ve noticed, right? He should’ve been able to tell. Zeb on the other hand had kept quiet because he hadn’t wanted to deal with his friends’ disapproval. But then they had never defined what they had been to one another and so he had rationalized that there was nothing to tell his friends.

"What I'm meaning to say is that our relationship means a lot to me. You mean a lot to me, more than anyone else ever did. I sincerely wish that we had had more time together. And if things had been different, if we hadn't started out on different sides of the war then nothing would've stopped me from being with you."

“If I had really meant that fucking much to you, you could’ve just fucking stayed”, Zeb growled. Why was he even listening to this? If he had really meant that much to Kallus, Kallus should’ve commed him instead of leaving a message like a fucking coward.

Except Zeb knew that the Ghost had been deep in Imperial territory at the time, making a com-call which could be intercepted dangerous. Except Zeb would’ve tried to talk him out of it, would’ve yelled, growled and threatened and even that might have not been enough to change Kallus’ mind. Except if he had succeeded maybe by the time the Ghost had returned there would’ve been no Yavin IV anymore, reduced to rubble by a Death Star they hadn’t been able to destroy without the plans. Who knew what had happened on Scarif. Maybe Kallus had saved them all, saved the rebellion. Or maybe he had been a nameless, faceless soldier dying in a suicide mission without making any impact at all.

Kallus’ holo image looked straight ahead as if he could see Zeb in front of him. Zeb knew what was coming but that didn’t mean he was in any way prepared for it. 

"I'm not sure this is a good way to say but it is my last chance. I love you. Farwell, Garrazeb Orrelios, and may the Force be with you." Kallus rested one hand over the other and lowered his head. When he looked up again Zeb hit pause before the holo image could vanish, before he even understood himself what he was doing. 

It was the last picture he would ever see of Kallus and the longer he stared at it the more it hurt. This wasn’t the image of a man with regrets it was the image of a man who was at peace with himself, at peace with his impending death.

Zeb threw the meteor as hard as he could to the side, heard it hitting a wall but didn’t bother to look whether or not it had shattered before he roared at the holo image of Kallus. His fury, his grief, his regrets he could hear them in the silence that followed. He roared again just to get rid of it, the silence, the feelings stuck in his chest like shards. 

If Kallus had really loved him he would’ve never left. He would’ve understood that his life was not just his own anymore to do with as he pleased. And if Zeb had told him he felt the same then maybe everything would’ve been different.

In a sudden bout of panic he realized what he had done and looked for the meteor. It lay on the ground, not shattered but pieces had broken off, leaving sharp edges in the smooth stone. Zeb cradled it to his chest, curling himself around it.

There were steps behind him but he was unwilling, unable to push away his grief and pretend everything was fine. Then he felt Sabine’s small hand touching his shoulder. Followed by Hera’s, followed by Kanan’s, followed by Ezra’s hands. He had been left but he wasn’t alone.

**Author's Note:**

> So people suggested a sequel and here it is. Misery for everyone.
> 
> Find me [ here](http://smaragdbird.tumblr.com/) on tumblr


End file.
